Be temperate in wine, in eating, girls, and sloth, or the Gout will seize you.

The doctor occupies a seat in the front row of the stalls of the human drama, and is constantly watching and even intervening in the tragedies, comedies, and tragicomedies which form the raw material of the literary art.

The doctor should be opaque to his patients and, like a mirror, should show them nothing but what is shown to him.

In the name of Hippocrates doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.

All pain is one malady with many names.

The best physician is he who can distinguish the possible from the impossible.

A miracle drug is any drug that will do what the label says it will do.

The poets did well to conjoin music and medicine, because the office of medicine is but to tune the curious harp of man’s body.

If a patient is poor, he is committed to a public hospital as “psychotic”; if he can afford the luxury of a private sanitarium, he is put there with the diagnosis of “neurasthenia”; if he is wealthy enough to be isolated in his own home under constant watch of nurses and physicians, he is simply an indisposed “eccentric.”

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

I have yet, I believe, some years in store, for I have a good state of health and a happy mind, and I take care of both by nourishing the first with temperance and the latter with abundance. This, I believe, you will allow to be the true philosophy of life.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

When the physician said to him, “You have lived to be an old man,” he said, “That is because I never employed you as my physician.”