“On King Charles.” After serving in a war against the Dutch, where in Lord Sandwich’s words he “showed himself brave, industrious, and of useful parts,” Rochester around 1666 was made a gentleman of the bedchamber and awarded £1,000 a year for life by King Charles II. Known for his debauchery and wit, he drunkenly handed a copy of this satire to the king, a lapse in judgment for which he was banished. Several months later, the king named Rochester the ranger and keeper of the royal hunting park at Woodstock.
In the isle of Great Britain long since famous grown
For breeding the best cunts in Christendom,
There reigns, and oh, long may he reign and thrive,
The easiest prince and best-bred man alive.
Him no ambition moves to seek renown
Like the French fool, to wander up and down
Starving his subjects, hazarding his crown.
Peace is his aim, his gentleness is such,
And love he loves, for he loves fucking much.
Nor are his high desires above his strength,
His scepter and his prick are of a length;
And she that plays with one may sway the other
And make him little wiser than his brother.
I hate all monarchs and the thrones they sit on,
From the hector of France to the cully of Britain.
Poor prince, thy prick, like thy buffoons at court,
It governs thee, because it makes thee sport.
’Tis sure the sauciest prick that ever did swive,
The proudest, peremptoriest prick alive.
Though safety, law, religion, life lay on’t,
’Twould break through all to make its way to cunt.
Restless he rolls about from whore to whore,
A merry monarch, scandalous and poor.
To Carwell, the most dear of all his dears,
The sure relief of his declining years,
Oft he bewails his fortune and her fate:
To love so well, and to be loved so late.
For when in her he settles well his tarse,
Yet his dull, graceless ballocks hang an arse.
This you’d believe, had I but time to tell y’
The pain it costs to poor, laborious Nelly,
While she employs hands, fingers, lips, and thighs,
Ere she can raise the member she enjoys.