La Rochefoucauld

Maxims,

 1678

We give nothing so liberally as our advice.

To point out that one never flirts is in itself a form of flirtation.

The reason why lovers never tire of each other’s company is that the conversation is always about themselves.

We often forgive those who bore us, but we cannot forgive those who find us boring.

Whatever discoveries have been made in the land of self-love, many regions still remain unexplored.

Old people are fond of giving good advice; it consoles them for no longer being capable of setting a bad example.

The most dangerous absurdity of elderly persons who have been attractive is to forget that they are so no longer.

Most young people think they are being natural when really they are just ill-mannered and crude.

We all have strength enough to endure the troubles of others.

When vanity is not prompting us, we have little to say.

Rob Delaney

Tweets,

 c. 2012

You’ve really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can’t reach it.

Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Unless they’re Crocs, then fuck that guy.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

The Jews run Hollywood! Which is probably why it’s a fun place to work with a lot of great restaurants.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Ask any guy: if you don’t know all the sex tips from the latest Cosmo, we are not interested.

“It just feels so good to have a clean apartment!”—Someone who’s never killed a bear with a sword.

He’d come off as way less pretentious if he went by Daniel “Dave” Lewis.

Made my wife a “surprise” appointment for lap-band surgery. April Fool’s! She left me a few weeks ago.

Sometimes I put dog poop in the toilet at work so the guys don’t think I only went in there to cry.

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